My heart is dead and so are you

Okay:

There are people who can walk away from you. When people can walk way from you: let them walk. Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. There is the gift of "goodbye". It's the tenth spiritual gift, believe in goodbye. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go. If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to let it go. If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, let it go. If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth, let it go. If someone has angered you, let it go. If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge, let it go. If you're feeling depressed and stressed, let it go. If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying, "take your hands off of it," then you need to let it go.

I just keep on thinking maybe if I was prettier.
Maybe if I was better, more special.
If I could be perfect....there would be no denying me.

I have been denied.
I have been cast aside.
I am demeaned and unworthy.
Never worth it. Never enough.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough, Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough. Never satisfying.
Never enough.
Never.

Once second best, always second best.

She keeps on asking, "do you think it hurts much to die?"
Well it's hurting so much more to stay alive, now.
She's gonna find out how much it hurts to die.
She laced her perfume up with death--Feel it in my lungs,
So I'll pull in the deepest breath and drop my head.

A lot calmer now but I still get jittery. Might need a lower or higher dosage?
Or maybe my body still needs a few more days to get used to it some more.
Either way each day gets better and I've been able to eat more the past few
days. So I am recovering from my 3 day long panic episode. x.x

I slept for 10 hours, thank god. And I am going out tonight for my cousin's
birthday. Going to Dave'n'Busters, then we're going to AppleBitches. xP
(AppleBees.) I am somewhat nervous but then I am okay because I know
most of the girls that are going and then it's a bunch of Steven's friends.
I just know to stick around with Hilary, Toni and Hannah. Try to have fun
I guess. And not give everyone the death lazer beam eyes. ;D

And then tomorrow I'm going out to celebrate my cousin's 13th birthday
party, aka the day he becomes a man. But I won't be there too late so
hopefully I still get to see Ryan tomorrow, or I guess I'll have to wait until
Monday. 

I just want to lay on him and snuggle. lol Play in the snow. I know he's
probably drifting his car with Joey right now though. x,x that fool. Yeah
my boyfriend likes to do dangerous things sometimes lol but I guess
that alright, cause he has the best stories to tell. It's a part of him and I
just have to look at him and smile because I just love that boy, I really
do. I love him so much. 


On another note, it snowed sort of. I mean it's snowy out there and it stuck
to the ground but now it's this sloppy ice rain crap. So it's not that great anymore.
But when I woke up at 715 to take my medicine--you can always tell when it snowed out
before even looking, just the pure bright light that comes out of the window is usually proof
enough that it snowed--I looked out and it was snowing. It was beautiful. 

Thankfully...we finally have a snow blower xD

Gotta love self-induced panic attacks, yeauh~

Wake up early and hot.
Anxious.
Loss of appetite. 

Self-induced or side effects?
Can't tell.
Can't really relax.

So, I wanted to write before I started taking Zoloft. I want to keep track of my feelings so I can determine whether or not the Zoloft is going to work or have negative effects on my body. I haven't taken it yet, I was going to take it before I go to bed because my doctor told me that a side effect is drowsiness, so taking it before bed seems like a good idea. 

I am a bit nervous though, I can't lie, which is the funny part because it's all I wanted but now that it's a reality...oh well jeez, I am having anxiety about being on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant, how ironic. I just hope it doesn't make me more suicidal, which is the piece I am most worried about and then second, (I know how shallow of me) weight gain. I am also scared because today I feel fine but also I am past my period. I feel like my feelings get intensified before I get my period and that's when the flood gates break loose and all this shit just comes pouring out of me and it's unstoppable. But it's in those moments where I cannot step back and rationalize my thoughts; that I want to die, disappear or cause some sort of harm to myself. I am afraid because I know these pills can intensify suicidal thoughts, though the whole point is to eradicate those feelings. But I want them because I want to feel in control of myself again because I can see it's turning me into a monster driven by irrational emotion. I used to be fun, even charming perhaps but now i feel like I am just fading away into my own despair. I am losing site of what's good and beautiful. I know life is special and it shouldn't be taken for granted, believe me I know I could have it much worse, which is also another piece because it makes me so angry that I feel that way sometimes when I know I don't have it bad. The whole thought that I am aware and I know yet I cannot stop feeling the way I feel. I cannot stop feeling. I don't know.

So here's my last night of being normal before I get lost in a drugged stupor.
I hope it ends well and not in flames.

Shades drawn across
No light may enter
In my moment of weakness
And this world is bearing down again
So hard to clear my mind
Why do I persist?
I'll endure another day
It's just so hard to resist
And I can't continue on
So hard to clear my mind
To see the thoughts I wish were true
My face versus the stone
And I blame myself
Plague my mind with these insecure thoughts
Whispers in the back of my head
Telling me it's all wrong
Why do I persist?
I'll endure another day
Why do I persist?
As self loathing strangles me
Push past the veil of helplessness
Love can't catch me, not today
Take your hand and just surrender?
It's just not worth it
Why do I persist?
I'll endure another day
Why do I persist?
Self loathing strangles me
But I'll endure another day






Why do I persist? When it feels like I should just die.
I persist on the false pretense of hope.
I persist on the lie I tell myself.
Why do I persist?

I could be silent for a week and you wouldn't care or notice.



I am empty. I am invisible. I am inadequate and unsatisfying.
I am nothing. I am worthless. I am replaceable. I am a ghost. 
I am rebound. I am not special. I am broken. Walk all over me.

I am just dust collecting on the shelf, you'll only see me when
it's time to sweep me off. 

I am rotting away.

Never good enough. Never ever good enough. Ever.

I am drowning in the sea.
I am beaten.
I am drowning.

I am alone and I am drowning. I am all alone.

All of which embody my feelings aka I sound so emo.

I'll never be okay, as long as I'm dreaming a reality.

So it's true my words are contrived
I tell lies just to get into your mind
I'm as fake as a widow's smile.
This mask of glass is what I choose to wear
So I won't ever have the need to bear
The total truth to anyone but me.

I'm just a bad actor stuck with a shitty script
All of my lines are cheap and the cast is weak
There was no music for the first time I got kissed
There was no femme fatale, my mistress wasn't rich.
So I've been formatted to fit your TV screen
The film went straight to tape, I'll bow out quietly.
So quietly. So quietly..

Is this what it's like,
A dream lacking serenity?
A wordless conversation,
a "you and I" without a me.

But I should have known that you were a killer. But now I'm dead.

A gaping hole... (shot through my heart)
A lost connection from your poison dart.
My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.
I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold.

The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.

You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay
I'll stab you one time.
I'll eat your heart out, so you feel my pain.
Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?

I wanna kill you. I wanna kill you. Now I'm insane.

The ground did fold and eat us both
But all my love, I did devote.

Beneath the rafters the angels sing
Spinning violence and playing with my heart.

(This song) I wrote, for you to see.
And my heart it now breaks
And the blood spilled down your spine

There's poison in my drinking glass
Don't stop just sip it down
And in a swirling masquerade of sound
My body hits the ground
I'm beautiful when I'm asleep
Martini kisses land
On my blistered bloody scarlet lips
The bottles in my hand

Burn out, not fade away

I'll speak in riddles so you can understand
I'll draw in pencil so you can trace with pen
So in love with me like sand to wet feet
I'll write both our names into the wet concrete

And all I ever wanted was someone to
knock me back to the bliss of ignorance

I won't forget the day that, that I found God
In a kitchen knife now and on my arm
So paint the pale white floor with, with my red life
And tell myself this pain is the pain I love
As I swallow the pills of happiness
And you watch me fall like New York in an earthquake

(I love the pain, I hate the pain)
I just give in.
(I love the pain, I hate the pain)

I think that the truth is I'm scared
I think that I'm just scared to live
I think that the truth is I'm scared
I think that the truth is I'm everything that I hate.

Half smoked cigarettes and you're the trash that infests my sheets
can't make a wife out of a whore, don't want your skin on me
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust
Detoxing the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf

So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust,
Detoxing the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I'm here lying in your bed babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my james dean, I'll be your sweet queen"
I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close now
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many
Can you grant me one last wish
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me

I'll put a little sour in your sweet.


Tell me your fantasies,
I'll make you believe,
That I really care.
I'll look into your eyes,
I'll tell you all my lies.
As I take you slow.

So love me gently with a chainsaw (chainsaw)
I'll leave you like your father did.
I'll bite your lip so fucking, so hard.
And watch the innocence just drip

Down your chest,
And into my mouth.


(Fuck with my heart)
I'll teach you what it's like.
(To be so used)
That you'll have to clean.
That dirt stuck in
Your plastic finger nails.
And just the scent of you is enough
(To make me sick)
(I'll take my time)
To slowly plot your end.
(But now I will)
Spit bullets with my pen.

And all I know is you're cute when you scream.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.